Tag: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that’s the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, ‘Okay, as long as it’s not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.’ He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought ‘This story isn’t too long.’ But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, ‘Uh-oh, this story is getting long.’ But then the story was over, and I said to myself ‘You know, that story wasn’t too long after all.’ I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One thing about my Aunt Nadie She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she’d give it to you.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh, no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts