Tag: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, ‘Aw, who cares’ And then I think, ‘Hey, what’s for supper’

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch A jack-o’-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says ‘You.’ After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let’s say you have chosen the nickname ‘Fly Head’. Normally, you would think that ‘Fly Head’ would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn’t it also mean ‘having a head like a fly’ I’m afraid some people might actually think that.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor—through some kind of space warp or something. ‘Go, Bob, go’ yelled one of the generals. ‘Give me that’ said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. ‘Listen, Bob,’ he said. ‘You’ve got to steer that meteor away from Earth.’ ‘Yes, but how’ thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, ‘Go ahead and do whatever you want, it’s okay by me.’

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car—I forget what kind it was—and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called ‘Dad.’ We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle ‘hair restorer.’ He took everyone’s money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts