When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, ummmm, boy.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
When you die, if you go somewhere where …
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, ‘No speaka English.’
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
When you first start wearing a turban, p…
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
When you go for a job interview, I think…
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
When you go to a party at somebody’s hou…
When you go to a party at somebody’s house, don’t automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
When you go ice-skating, try not to swin…
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
When you’re going up the stairs and you …
When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Whenever anyone says ‘I can’t,’ it makes…
Whenever anyone says ‘I can’t,’ it makes me wish he’d get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says ‘I’ll try,’ five thousand bees. (‘I can,’ one bee.)
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall…
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Whenever I open a door, I pull on the do…
Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn’t there a saying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as hard as you can I thought I heard that somewhere.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts